Today a friend dropped off some cinnamon rolls that were left over from a meeting that was held early in the day. Dang, I love cinnamon rolls. I went back and forth ~ “Should I eat one?”, “No, that is a terrible idea and you will feel shame and a lot of other awful emotions if you eat it”. “It will cause a lot of heartburn and other digestive discomforts.” “But I want it, it smells heavenly”. So, there I was with some coffee and the roll heating up in the microwave. I decided to eat it, but only if I would pay attention and eat slowly. It was only a so so cinnamon roll. I only ate half of it. And I am okay with myself. No beating me up.
That made me realize why I love having diary, vegan and gluten free treats in the house. When I want a treat, I want it to be something my body can handle and it must be wonderful to eat. Of course, the sugar is something to be curious about. If I eat too much sugar, I get sleepy, foggy and wanting more sugar. Most of the time, I remember to just eat a little bit and enjoy every bite. Even if I eat it while standing in front of the refrigerator. Slow eating, slow chewing, slow enjoying the tastes on every part of my tongue.
That’s not to say that I don’t sometimes eat to numb parts of my anxiety or stress. I do. And I don’t pay any attention at all. It’s a process. Do I want to spend time being “with” my discomfort or do I want to gobble down sugar? Sometimes they both win like today. I spent a lot of time just being with the discomfort inside and I still ate the roll. But I ate it with intention. And that’s a win for me.
It’s not always easy to be with my discomfort, if it was fun, I wouldn’t find distractions and comfort food to get away from it. Just a minute or 5 minutes or even 30 seconds is a win. Welcoming the pain with open arms. Asking for Love and Understanding without expecting either. Sometimes Love fills me up but often not. Sometimes understanding comes when I least expect it. I just know that being with myself no matter what is going on, is really living. It is my goal. Everyday. Even if I forget most of the time.
Excuse me while I go get some Vegan and Dairy and Gluten free Toffee. Yum. This time I will eat it slowly.